Buffy's Salon

Just for Wives

My Home, Husbands and Wives Magazine, UK, 1934

I have read a lot of helpful and thought-provoking blogposts aimed at giving good advice to wives.  Here's a selection of my favourites, all of which contain real, practical suggestions.  I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did:

First of all, what not to do: 10 Bad Habits that could ruin your marriage.  According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, where couples make love no more than 10 times a year. While sex is not the be-all, end-all to a marriage, it’s one of the best ways to maintain intimacy. And when sex becomes a distant memory, your intimacy takes a severe hit.

And now what you really do need to do: Six Fundamentals of Love & Respect Kelly wondered if her husband, Steve, would remember their 10th anniversary. Some years he had forgotten.  But, this year, he remembered. He had found just the right card, and he was sure it would be a great anniversary. When he handed her the card, she beamed from ear to ear. But when she read it, her countenance turned sour and dark. "It’s not bad… for a birthday card," she scowled.  (Great advice here for husbands too)

The next two articles look at different ways we can take our husbands for granted:

What your husband wishes he could tell you - Have you ever found yourself sitting with your beloved in front of the tv? You're clipping your toenails before flossing your teeth. You're wearing that hideous floppy grey flannel robe and your legs hairier than a lumberjack's. And then you find yourself wondering why the romance is gone.

Please don't check your manners at the door -  I see otherwise personable young men and women treat their spouses in demanding, selfish, ungrateful, bossy, loud, and otherwise downright unpleasant ways. They are cordial to everyone else, but with their spouse they forget the most basic of manners -- even down to not saying "please" and "thank-you". Under the guise of trying to "help their spouse", they constantly pick at their spouse's faults. At home, they blurt out things in a manner they would never dream of using with anyone else.

An overview of the issue of submission in marriage from a Biblical point of view.  Viewed in the light of God’s Word, subjection is not a forced slavery to which a wife must make herself conform. It is not a loss of individuality or personality. True biblical subjection is a woman’s creative and challenging pleasure of discovering how she can show her husband that she respects him, admires him, and depends on him. That requires the death of all pride and the destruction of all selfish motives. 

What if you want to make some profound changes to your home or family and your husband is not on board?  (Written very much from a Biblical perspective.)  When I started on this "journey" of wanting to be a godly wife and mother, I didn't even think my husband was saved. He definitely was no leader (I had destroyed that in the first place).  He definitely wasn't godly. Our home definitely wasn't godly.  But over time, as I put God first, and then my husband next, and prayed to be a crown to my husband, my husband pulled along side me--and then ahead of me as our family's spiritual leader and my spiritual head. 

On a lighter, but perhaps no less vital, note, the importance of having fun in marriage.  Having fun together is an important way to create positive feelings toward each other and toward life in general. We’ve set aside Wednesday nights and Saturdays for our regular dates. This breaks up our weekly routine, relieves stress, renews hope, and keeps the friendship side of our marriage thriving.

Feral Children?

    When I think of feral children my mind turns to the story of those unfortunates who were abandoned or stolen as babies and raised in isolation from other humans, allegedly by packs of animals such as wolves or bears.  Attempts to re-introduce them into civilisation have usually been dismal failures.   Alas, the term is now being used to refer to children closer to home.  A recent UK survey by YouGov found that over half the population think that children in this country are not only wild but dangerous. It is clear that, generally, British adults are not feeling tolerant of youngsters.  The survey, along with a recent one on British crime, found that:

• over half the respondents feel that children are beginning to behave like animals, a quick scan of comments left on relevant newspaper articles online finds children described using words such as feral, animal, cruel, ruthless, vermin and liable to "wander in packs"
• one third of those surveyed feel the streets are "infested", and something needs to be done to protect adults
• children are perceived as being unruly and criminal, and responsible for half of all criminal activity (in reality children are in fact responsible for only 12% of criminal activity)
• nearly half the respondents disagreed with the statement that the children who get into trouble were misunderstood and needed professional help

The survey was, in fact, commissioned by Barnardo's (a children's charity) who believe that society are increasingly and casually condemning children.  They argue that the adult population have a jaundiced view of children in general, and that:

"The real crime is that this sort of talk and attitude does nothing to help those young people who are difficult, unruly or badly behaved to change their ways."  

They also pointed out that:

"young people who became involved in criminal activity came from the most deprived families, had the poorest educational experiences and were more likely to suffer from poor health. "

The points that Barnardo's are making are that, firstly, children as a whole are being unjustly demonised and secondly that those children who are causing problems need to be helped rather than condemned as animals.

Of course, the majority of children are not a social nuisance, the problem is the age-old one of only the negative behaviour being visible.  For example, for every child hanging around shouting abusive language on the street there could be five at home leading blameless lives, but the one shouting on the corner is more obvious, and therefore someone who doesn't know a lot of children will form their opinion of modern children on the ones they do see.  Also, as the picture at the top of this post demonstrates, no one has ever been entirely safe from naughty children.

However, whilst Barnardo's are making two valid points, we should not ignore the fact that in general rudeness and wild behaviour is more prevalent in the UK than certain other European countries and also more than it was say, fifty years ago.  Is this the children's fault?  No, of course not.  It is the result of the society in which these children are raised.  Take note:

• If children are more unpleasant than they used to be, then so are adults.  Our society is much more selfish and obnoxious in public than it used to be.  How can we expect our children to be polite and kind to others if that's not the example set by adults?
• We do not seem to have the strong sense of family in Britain that is found in countries such as France, where children are not wandering the streets, they are with the rest of their family.  There is not the same separation between children and adults in terms of social activities and parents are more generous with the time they spend with their off-spring.  One of the reasons so many children spend time unsupervised is that we have got ourselves into a situation where both parents are working long hours.
• The days of real consequences for anti-social behaviour are behind us.  Children know they can't be clipped round the ear by an adult, or if they are they can get them into trouble by complaining about abuse.   Most parents seem unwilling to discipline or don't know how to, especially now that smacking is illegal.
• Our media are hardly promoting sound values to youngsters, on the contrary they are promoting a freakish, violent and dysfunctional sub-culture.  Why do we teach our children that to be cool you have to be obnoxious?

Bernardo's are right that we have an unhealthy attitude to youngsters.  Why should we use them as scapegoats for society's dysfunctional ways?  How about thinking of changing society and our own selfish attitudes first?

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

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You believe in God and your chosen religion. Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu... Your convictions are strong and unwavering. You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

Quality Adaptations Part I: The Novels of Jane Austen

We all know that switching on the television or going to the cinema is a lottery where it feels that the stakes are stacked against you.  I have done earlier posts about the ills of modern viewing, but in this series I wanted to take a look at productions that were worth spending time on.  This is going to be all about those productions with a strong heart which radiate quality.  So, starting with one of the the most popular authors, with so many adaptations available, which are the best Jane Austen's?

Sense & Sensibility
1995 film by Ang Lee

This film had an incredible cast including Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, Greg Wise, Alan Rickman, Gemma Jones, Hugh Grant, Robert Hardy etc.  An intelligently scripted and uplifting story that justly won several awards.   It is considered to be the best film made of any of Jane Austen's novels.  The story asks the question, is it better to be emotional and romantic or reserved and sensible?  The answer appears to be that it's a matter of balance.

Pride & Prejudice 
1995 BBC Production

This six-part adaptation allowed lots of time to adequately explore all the nuances, plot twists and character eccentricities of the novel.  Whilst remaining true to the spirit of Jane Austen's most popular novel, the producer and scriptwriter also wanted to produce something "fresh and lively" with real human beings.  Several scenes which showed typical pastimes for men and women of the time were added.  A major theme of Pride & Prejudice is the importance of a strong, moral upbringing and environment, the damage that weak parents can do and the over-emphasis that can be placed on wealth and social status.

Emma
1996 film

 

Surely Gwyneth Paltrow was born to play Emma?  Able supported by Jeremy Northam she glides elegantly through the film, the picture of refinement , whilst Juliet Stevenson and Alan Cumming bring humour as the Eltons.  The script is mostly played for laughs, but in Emma Jane Austen again raised questions of class superiority and showed that a humble attitude was the final ingredient for Emma's true happiness.

Persuasion
1995 BBC Adaptation

Whilst watching this production for the first time I was struck by its realism.  The heroine is slightly faded; attractive but not glamorised in any way.  Scenes played by candlelight actually look like they've been shot in candlelight.  The contrast between the realities of life in the early nineteenth century and modern times is very noticeable.  This adaptation has a gentle, autumnal feel which is in keeping with the tone of the original novel.  Persuasion shows how love may bloom where it is most deserved, even when appearances suggest otherwise, that constancy will be rewarded and that a determined and talented man can rise to affluence and high status by his efforts.

Other Adaptations

There was a BBC adaption in 1983 of Mansfield Park which was extremely faithful to the book, if perhaps lacking in flair.  The two later productions of Mansfield Park (1991 and 2007) are best avoided.  I think the trouble with Mansfield Park adaptations is that it is a very moral book with less lightness of touch and obvious humour than the others, and this does not translate well to the modern screen.  Fanny Price (the heroine) is the antithesis of what is now considered to be an appealing heroine, being both timid and intolerant.

The adaptation of Northanger Abbey in 1996 was too vampish, the producers did not seem to grasp the fact that Jane Austen had been satirising gothic novels, and that her heroine's journey was to move away from such sensationalism.  I haven't seen the 2007 version yet, if anyone else has perhaps they can comment?

Other adaptations worthy of a mention would be the 1980/81 BBC serials of Pride & Prejudice, and Sense & Sensibility.  Both were charmingly done and served as my introduction into Jane Austen.  Also the 2005 film of Pride and Prejudice, though lacking the depth of the two television series, had a fresh natural feel. 

Which is your favourite Jane Austen adaptation and why?

Grace at the Table Part I: Family Meals

 

One of the casualties of the modern age is that many families no longer eat round a table and consequently table manners are deemed old-fashioned or have just been forgotten. 

This is a shame, because sitting round the table together is a very important time for a family, even a small one, because it is the time when you come together from doing your separate activities, communicate with each other and bond.  Times of celebration and feasting (for example, Christmas dinner) should have special significance for the family, and this is a wonderful opportunity to create your own family rituals.  Hospitality to the wider family and friends should also not be forgotten. 

It is at the table that manners are arguably at their most important, simply because it is a social event that involves thinking of other people at the same time as enjoying yourself.  It is a great training ground for children, as well as a chance to spread some warmth outside the immediate family.

The basic rules for family mealtimes:

1. Turn the television off.  A little music is all right, as long as it is the sort to aid digestion!
2. Nobody should eat in the couple of hours before dinner.  It's rude to the person who has gone to the bother of cooking you a meal not to be hungry.
3. Wait for everyone to be seated before starting to eat.
4. Talk to each other!  Obviously this needs to be lead by parents who must train up their children to have conversational skills.
5. Nobody leaves the table until everyone is finished.  If someone really must then they should ask to be excused.   This is great training in patience for children.

 Some rules about the correct way to eat at the dinner table:

1. Don't immediately season your food or add ketchup without even tasting it. It's disrespectful to the cook!
2. Food should not be deliberately mixed in and mashed up on the plate before eating.  Children who do this need correcting.
3. Never hold your knife as it if were a pen.  Keep your fork with prongs down at all times until you have finished.  Don't use it to scoop food.
4. If you are having a bread roll with dinner tear chunks off and butter separately as you eat them.
5. If you are having soup then eat off the side of the rounded soup spoon.  Don't dip or drop bread into your soup, although you can tip the bowl away from you.
6. If you are eating cheese from a shared cheese board, don't cut the nose off the cheese as this is supposed to be the most flavoursome part.  Cut lengthways.  And if the are grapes then rather than take individual ones from the communal bunch, snap off a branch and move it to your own plate. 
7. If you are eating spaghetti neither cut it up, nor twist your fork against your spoon, but against the plate instead.
8. Mopping up gravy with bread or using bread as a utensil (for example to push something onto a fork) are things only acceptable to do when you are alone.
9. Drinks should not be consumed at the table directly from a bottle. 

Most of the rules about table manners involve thinking about other people:

1. Arrive at the table promptly and with clean hands.  Better still, offer to set the table if you are not the cook.
2. Look after your neighbour; make sure they have everything they need before starting to eat yourself.
3. Don't put elbows on the table, pick your teeth, eat with your mouth open or tilt your chair.
4. Don't lower your face to your food and shovel food in, completely oblivious to everyone else.
5. If you need to remove anything from your mouth discreetly spit it into your cupped hand and place on the side of your plate, preferably hiding it under something.Keep your mobile phone turned off during the meal.
6. Don't rush through your meal.  This is insulting to the person who cooked it and destroys any chance of mealtimes being relaxing and a chance for conversation.

Cat Facts # 1

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A Gentleman...

Frederick Douglass Speaking in England on His Experiences as a Slave in the USA

A gentleman will not insult me, and no man not a gentleman can insult me.

Frederick Douglass

Humility - do we need it?

Jesus Washing Peter's Feet

Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud. 
Proverbs 16:19

I've been thinking, how unfashionable is humility these days?

We are told we must stand up for ourselves and our rights.  We must let no one oppress us or think that they are in any way better than us, and we must give back as good as we get, or better.

Is it possible to show humility without being a doormat?

I think yes, because humility is a gift that you can choose to give.  If someone is trying to force someone into humility they are being a tyrant and the person who has been forced into a meek position is probably not truly humble in their heart.  They are almost certainly resentful. 

There are plenty of quotes and stories from both Old and New Testaments that illustrate the importance of humility and the danger of pride.  Taking all of them into consideration, how should we express humility?

1. Following God's laws rather than trusting in our own judgment.  In Numbers 12:3 we are told that Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else.  Moses was a man of extraordinary gifts but his will was only to be pleasing to God. 
2. We can listen to that "still, small voice" and recognise the guiding hand in our lives.  Though we can achieve fine things we should know, like John Ruskin that, "really great men have a curious feeling that the greatness is not of them, but through them".
3. We can willingly accept various forms of legitimate earthly authority.  This means being willing to take orders and not chafing against submission.  What makes this particularly hard is that our society currently places no value on deference.
4. At the same time being careful not to treat only those in authority over us with respect.  There is nothing worse than the person who fawns over their boss then gives their underling a good kick.
5. We can show humility in the way we behave with others.  That is to say, loving our neighbour as ourself by not always putting our interests above another's, for doing so assumes that what we want is more important than their desires; hardly a humble point of view.
6. However, true humility goes further than this because it means having a servant's heart.  When Jesus washed the feet of his disciples he was beautifully illustrating that "whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve" (Matthew 20:26-28).
7. This is a difficult one, but when we are criticised we can respond humbly.  It is a human failing that as soon as we feel attacked we become very defensive, and this makes it difficult for us to consider objectively the observations that someone else is making about us.  Our first thought is always to find excuses or to explain how the person is wrong and has misunderstood or even to attack the person right back.  I suspect that probably 90% of the time that we are criticised there is some truth in their words, we just don't want to hear it because it hurts our pride.  To be open to hear the truth about ourselves takes humility.
8. Those times when we are genuinely unjustly attacked we can respond with humility by refusing to attack back, and staying in a position of love towards that person.  We have been taught: "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you"  Matthew 5:44
9. When we do wrong we must confess not only to ourselves and God but be prepared to apologise to the one we have wronged.  This is incredibly humbling and very hard to do.
10. When things go well, rather than congratulating ourselves or taking our blessings for granted we can remember to have thankful hearts.  (See Deuteronomy 8.)

Also see: What Exactly is Humility at Gathering Grace
Humility at Bible.org
The Nature of Humility at Ankerberg.com